going to use that

Sorry.



After the death of his husband, Matt Lucas is going through his most recent fan mail. One such letter is especially touching



"I'm very sorry to hear about your sad loss. I realise that this is not the best time to say this, but I just wanted to tell you how much I love you, and that I think you are so very attractive and cuddly. You see, you remind me of my late wife



Yours Jack Tweed"

Two cowboys got off their horses in town.As they tied them to the rail,one walked round to the back of his horse,lifted its tail,and kissed it on the rse.

"Say Tex" asked his friend,"Why did you do

that?"



"Waall pardner,I have got chapped lips."



"Does that cure it?"



"No, but it sure as hell stops me licking them!"

Paddy goes into a wine shop and asks if they sell Ellesmere port.

and did they?

Man stopped by cops on the M1 after being clocked doing 120mph, cop says give me 1 good reason for that speed? Man says, 2 months ago my wife ran off with a traffic cop and i saw you behind me and i thought you were bringing her back!

Police arrested me last and questioned me for an hour

one copper asked me "why do you keep beating my wife up?"

so i said honestly "because i have a longer reach and better foot work than her"

What did the epileptic Scotsman get for xmas?



A Wee Fit!

Bloke says to his mate, "I've been taking steroids and i've grown an extra cock". His mate says, "Anabolic"? And the bloke says, "No, just a cock"!!

Why do hippos make love under water?









Ever tried keeping a 9lb clitoris wet?

I had a mate who was suicidal, he was really depressed, so i pushed him in front of a steam train.

he was chuffed to bits.