Newsflash!!!



Due to recent events Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand have been put on the Sachs offenders register

crackpot funny tho

Why does Santa have 3 gardens???































































































































So he can HO! HO! HO!

If a religious person who wears a turban who is looking for a piece of poo would they be a sikh a bab

trumpets

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra



'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'



'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '

but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '



'I'm 96' said the old man.



'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough



so I don't pi.. on my slippers. '

Yesterday, I saw 4 pall bearers at 11:00 carrying an orange coffin around the local graveyard.



When I passed at 14:30 I saw them again.



I'm



sure



that



they



had



lost



the



plot



!!

An elderly couple, Mary Lou and Dale moved to Arizona



Dale always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his Mary Lou, 'Notice anything different about me?' Mary Lou looked him over. 'Nope.'



Frustrated, Dale stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Mary Lou a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'



Mary Lou looked up and exclaimed, 'Dale, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'



Furious,Dale yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Mary Lou?' 'Nope', she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'



Without changing her expression, Mary Lou replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Dale. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Last week I checked into my hotel and I was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Heather, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.



'Hello,' the woman says.......... God, she sounded sexy.



Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'









She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'



I'll get me coat!



Pugwash.

My mate fell into a vat full of oats and syrup and got in a panic, I said don't get in a flap jack

Two Irishmen are making letter bombs. Pat says " Do you think I've put enought explosives in this envelope?" "Dunno" says Mick, "Open it and see!". "But it will explode!", says Pat. Mick says "Don't be fecking stupid - it's not addressed to you!"

Just got this from bloke at work so do not blame me. Warner brothers and libyan rebels have got together to produce another character to the looney tunes gang called Gadaffi Duck.

[size=200 Mick Westerman [/size

Whats black with 2 broken arms?.







Colonel Gaddafi's sunglasses.